I don't wish to support any US-stereotypes, but my favourite is definitely Ed:
'I am going to be a police man so I can go out to hunt people and do target practice.'
Thursday, 9 May 2013
What do you want to be when you grow up?
It's a question we all ask our children, and back in 1936 on the receiving end were some US 10-year-olds. Their answers, over at the Center for the History of Psychology blog from the University of Akron, make delightful reading.
I don't wish to support any US-stereotypes, but my favourite is definitely Ed:
'I am going to be a police man so I can go out to hunt people and do target practice.'
I don't wish to support any US-stereotypes, but my favourite is definitely Ed:
'I am going to be a police man so I can go out to hunt people and do target practice.'
First time fathers feel excluded
Interesting research summary in Society Now:
'Many first time fathers continue to feel like a ‘spare part’ during their partner’s pregnancy, despite increasing recognition by antenatal and maternity healthcare services of the need to involve and
engage men throughout pregnancy.
But, interestingly, a small study of first time fathers aged 22-58 found that although men were at times frustrated by their lack of involvement, most participants felt this was entirely appropriate because antenatal and postnatal appointments were primarily about looking after the health and
wellbeing of their partner and child.
“Men tended to enter into the process of becoming a father having already determined that they were less important, and that it would be wrong, and inappropriate, for them to try and make healthcare consultations ‘about them’,” explains researcher Dr Jonathan Ives. “By putting aside their own concerns, not raising their own thoughts and fears, and adopting a deferential and supporting role, men felt they were doing the right thing in terms of being ‘good men’ and ‘good partners’.”
The study points out that some experiences with health services might re-inforce the perceived
appropriateness of this ‘deferential role’ and validate the idea for men that they were less important. Significantly, Dr Ives points out, “routine and apparently innocuous actions by healthcare staff (like pulling a curtain) can be interpreted by men as exclusionary practices because these actions fit their expectations and the role that they feel is morally appropriate.”
Such insight into men’s feeling of exclusion could be usefully incorporated into the teaching of
midwives and health visitors, Dr Ives suggests.'
'Many first time fathers continue to feel like a ‘spare part’ during their partner’s pregnancy, despite increasing recognition by antenatal and maternity healthcare services of the need to involve and
engage men throughout pregnancy.
But, interestingly, a small study of first time fathers aged 22-58 found that although men were at times frustrated by their lack of involvement, most participants felt this was entirely appropriate because antenatal and postnatal appointments were primarily about looking after the health and
wellbeing of their partner and child.
“Men tended to enter into the process of becoming a father having already determined that they were less important, and that it would be wrong, and inappropriate, for them to try and make healthcare consultations ‘about them’,” explains researcher Dr Jonathan Ives. “By putting aside their own concerns, not raising their own thoughts and fears, and adopting a deferential and supporting role, men felt they were doing the right thing in terms of being ‘good men’ and ‘good partners’.”
The study points out that some experiences with health services might re-inforce the perceived
appropriateness of this ‘deferential role’ and validate the idea for men that they were less important. Significantly, Dr Ives points out, “routine and apparently innocuous actions by healthcare staff (like pulling a curtain) can be interpreted by men as exclusionary practices because these actions fit their expectations and the role that they feel is morally appropriate.”
Such insight into men’s feeling of exclusion could be usefully incorporated into the teaching of
midwives and health visitors, Dr Ives suggests.'
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Letters of fatherly advice
This collection of words of wisdom from Dads, via the lost art of a letter, is well worth a look. It's via the fantastic Brain Picker.
My favourites are F. Scott Fitzgerald to his 11-year-old daughter:
Things to worry about:
…And this from Ronald Reagan to his 26-year-old son on the eve of his wedding, which - as the website notes - is thoughtful and strikingly honest, but perhaps suggests Reagan senior had his concerns about his son straying!
My favourites are F. Scott Fitzgerald to his 11-year-old daughter:
Things to worry about:
Worry about courageThings not to worry about:
Worry about Cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship
Worry about…
Don’t worry about popular opinionThings to think about:
Don’t worry about dolls
Don’t worry about the past
Don’t worry about the future
Don’t worry about growing up
Don’t worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don’t worry about triumph
Don’t worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don’t worry about mosquitoes
Don’t worry about flies
Don’t worry about insects in general
Don’t worry about parents
Don’t worry about boys
Don’t worry about disappointments
Don’t worry about pleasures
Don’t worry about satisfactions
What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:
(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?
…And this from Ronald Reagan to his 26-year-old son on the eve of his wedding, which - as the website notes - is thoughtful and strikingly honest, but perhaps suggests Reagan senior had his concerns about his son straying!
Dear Mike:
Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won’t.
You’ve heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the “unhappy marrieds” and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.
Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn’t take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn’t ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.
Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.
Love,
Dad
P.S. You’ll never get in trouble if you say “I love you” at least once a day.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
Dad song #8
This song just came on my iPod, and I thought it was well worth posting here as the finest tribute to a lost Dad that I have heard.
It's 'You were a boxer' from the Pacific Ocean Fire album 'Hibernation songs', from 2010 I think. The Leicester band featured twins Jon and Andy Bennett, who I have known on and off for many years.
The song is about their Dad Paul, who they had lost to leukemia not long before. It breaks my heart every time…
'you, you were made of rocks and stone, not white blood cells and borrowed bone'
'shut, shut the window, wash your hands, cos this, this was not part of the plan'
'You, you were made of hurricane, selflessness and Sky Blue blood inside your veins' [he was a Coventry fan]
and most of all 'you, you were made of something real, in a world where we all lie and cheat and steal.'
It can't have been easy to write and record, but I'm glad they did and I think their Dad would have been proud.
Paul was one of those Dads that I only met a handful of times but who nevertheless had a big impact on my own parenting. When I went to stay with Jon and Andy a couple of times when I was around the age of 16, he didn't seem that different from my own Dad: he worked hard and was therefore understandably a little tired and irritable. His generosity in taking in a confused teenager he barely knew for days on end wasn't really appreciated at the time. But after losing touch with Jon and Andy during my university years and beyond I was glad to have the chance to talk to their Dad at gigs getting on for 20 years later, to thank him for his hospitality and to see how time and retirement change you as a person and a father. He now seemed so relaxed, thrilled by his sons' music and just there for them with a smile on his face.
I'm struggling at the moment, in numerous mundane and self-absorbed ways. I just hope that when I eventually come up for air, my own kids will still be able to see through to the core of me as beautifully as Jon and Andy did with their Dad.
Paul would have been 64 last week. Jon just told me 'I can't figure out whether it seems 5 minutes or a lifetime since I saw him'. RIP.
It's 'You were a boxer' from the Pacific Ocean Fire album 'Hibernation songs', from 2010 I think. The Leicester band featured twins Jon and Andy Bennett, who I have known on and off for many years.
The song is about their Dad Paul, who they had lost to leukemia not long before. It breaks my heart every time…
'you, you were made of rocks and stone, not white blood cells and borrowed bone'
'shut, shut the window, wash your hands, cos this, this was not part of the plan'
'You, you were made of hurricane, selflessness and Sky Blue blood inside your veins' [he was a Coventry fan]
and most of all 'you, you were made of something real, in a world where we all lie and cheat and steal.'
It can't have been easy to write and record, but I'm glad they did and I think their Dad would have been proud.
Paul was one of those Dads that I only met a handful of times but who nevertheless had a big impact on my own parenting. When I went to stay with Jon and Andy a couple of times when I was around the age of 16, he didn't seem that different from my own Dad: he worked hard and was therefore understandably a little tired and irritable. His generosity in taking in a confused teenager he barely knew for days on end wasn't really appreciated at the time. But after losing touch with Jon and Andy during my university years and beyond I was glad to have the chance to talk to their Dad at gigs getting on for 20 years later, to thank him for his hospitality and to see how time and retirement change you as a person and a father. He now seemed so relaxed, thrilled by his sons' music and just there for them with a smile on his face.
I'm struggling at the moment, in numerous mundane and self-absorbed ways. I just hope that when I eventually come up for air, my own kids will still be able to see through to the core of me as beautifully as Jon and Andy did with their Dad.
Paul would have been 64 last week. Jon just told me 'I can't figure out whether it seems 5 minutes or a lifetime since I saw him'. RIP.
Friday, 3 May 2013
How to talk to your kids when you think they're using drugs
I came across this article yesterday. I thought the title was a little unfortunate, as it just made me think of talking to your kids while they're using drugs, when really the only sensible approach would be 'shall I put some toast on?'
It's also perhaps rather US-centric. 'Get your child treatment'. Really? Might that be a bit of an over-reaction?
It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.
Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”
Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.
I'd be interested to hear the views of other Dads, but this definitely isn't the approach I would take. I like to think that if and when the time comes with my own children, I'll be able to have a calm, informed conversation. Somewhere between the extremes of dragging them to a therapist and chopping out lines on the kitchen table with them… hopefully I've been around the block enough to be clear about the pros and cons.
My own Dad wouldn't have dragged me off to therapy, but being a fan of meditation he did dismiss all recreational drugs with the claim that 'Taking drugs would be like landing on Everest in a helicopter'. With hindsight I see he meant 'cheating', but at the time I just thought 'WAHEY! That sounds COOL!'
It's also perhaps rather US-centric. 'Get your child treatment'. Really? Might that be a bit of an over-reaction?
It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.
Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”
Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.
I'd be interested to hear the views of other Dads, but this definitely isn't the approach I would take. I like to think that if and when the time comes with my own children, I'll be able to have a calm, informed conversation. Somewhere between the extremes of dragging them to a therapist and chopping out lines on the kitchen table with them… hopefully I've been around the block enough to be clear about the pros and cons.
My own Dad wouldn't have dragged me off to therapy, but being a fan of meditation he did dismiss all recreational drugs with the claim that 'Taking drugs would be like landing on Everest in a helicopter'. With hindsight I see he meant 'cheating', but at the time I just thought 'WAHEY! That sounds COOL!'
Thursday, 2 May 2013
The fatherhood / the motherhood
You may well have seen these videos, ads for a new Fiat.
As is often the way, the 'Motherhood' one is better.
As is often the way, the 'Motherhood' one is better.
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
At least I'm not a shark
Apologies for the lack of blogging activity lately, following my initial flurry. Rather predictably I've been busy being a Dad! As I may have mentioned, holding down a full time job while being as good a Dad as possible while also trying to retain some sense of self and former life – in other words drinking waaay too much and staying out past, ooh, 10 o'clock – can really take its toll.
Still, things are tougher in the animal world. Consider this piece from the fantastic science journalist Ed Yong. He points out that males have to compete for sex through a variety of elaborate rituals and cumbersome appendages, but that it doesn't end there.
In many animals, females exert a surprising amount of choice over who fathers their young. Even after sex, females can store the sperm of different partners in separate compartments and determine which ones get to fertilise her eggs.
For males, this means that sexual competition continues after sex. It’s not just about finding mates, but about ensuring that your sperm fertilises her eggs. This leads to fierce “sperm competitions” and bizarre adaptations, where males scrape away the sperm of past mates, guard or plug females so they can no longer accept partners, 'traumatically inseminate' her through her back, or even poison partners with toxic sperm to limit future sexual encounters.
But in sand tiger sharks this reaches new, cannibalistic levels… head over to the National Geographic site to find out more, but suffice to say that even if a male successfully fertilises a female's eggs he would be advised not to start bragging to all his mates about impending fatherhood just yet.
Still, things are tougher in the animal world. Consider this piece from the fantastic science journalist Ed Yong. He points out that males have to compete for sex through a variety of elaborate rituals and cumbersome appendages, but that it doesn't end there.
In many animals, females exert a surprising amount of choice over who fathers their young. Even after sex, females can store the sperm of different partners in separate compartments and determine which ones get to fertilise her eggs.
For males, this means that sexual competition continues after sex. It’s not just about finding mates, but about ensuring that your sperm fertilises her eggs. This leads to fierce “sperm competitions” and bizarre adaptations, where males scrape away the sperm of past mates, guard or plug females so they can no longer accept partners, 'traumatically inseminate' her through her back, or even poison partners with toxic sperm to limit future sexual encounters.
But in sand tiger sharks this reaches new, cannibalistic levels… head over to the National Geographic site to find out more, but suffice to say that even if a male successfully fertilises a female's eggs he would be advised not to start bragging to all his mates about impending fatherhood just yet.
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| 'I'm going to be a Dad! What? Oh no!' |
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