Helpful fathers undermine their wives

Over at Psychology Today there's a special collection on 'The Power of Fathers'. This includes an interesting piece on how involved fathers diminish mothers' self-confidence.

Even though they still spent almost three times as much time care giving as their husbands, the mothers' self-competence ratings dropped--essentially "the more time their husbands spent engaged in skillful care giving, the lower the self-competence of mothers sank."

That's certainly not my experience: as ever, I would be interested to hear the views of others.

Come on Daddy!

Last week I posted the poem 'Slow down Mummy' by Rebekah Knight, along with my own response, 'Speed up Daddy'. Now Rebekah has very kindly sent me her own response, 'Come on Daddy!' for this blog.

Come on Daddy, don't sit still!
I love you Daddy, I always will. 
Daddy you're home! That's great!
Daddy you're home! The computer can wait.
Let's have a hug at the door.
Put down the remote, and let's fight on the floor.

Let's kick at a ball, or  build a great fort.
You can read me a story, or we can just talk.
Let's go for a ride on our bikes, to the park,
Let's race to the goal post, I'll beat you, I am fast!

Come on Daddy, let's buy an ice cream!
Ask me what I want I be when I'm older, 
Please help me dream!
Come on Daddy, help me get dressed, 
I love the clothes you chose for me, 
All a mis-match! 

Come on daddy, let's jump on the trampoline!
Come on Daddy I want to giggle and scream!
Come on Daddy, a piggy back please?
Oh dear Daddy, I grazed my knees. 
Play with me daddy. Don't sit still!
I love you Daddy. I always will!

Many thanks again to Rebekah for her vision of fatherhood, which is far more warm-hearted than mine, but still doesn't involve a nice sit down.

Let's hear it for (stay at home) fathers

Here's an interesting article from last week on The Guardian, by Anne Karpf, put my way by a great developmental psychologist Liz Meins.

Karpf points to new Office of National Statistics figures which show that 10% of the parents who stay at home to look after their children are fathers – a record high. She writes:

Some of the increase in stay-at-home fathers, of course, is the result of male unemployment, but a lot of it is also because growing numbers of men have woken up to what they've been missing out on in the home while they've been out at work. And because so many of them have seen through the ideological guff about motherhood and realised that hey, they're as good at wiping noses, making playdough giraffes and whipping up a macaroni cheese as any woman.

Or better. When my first child was born her father, whose third child she was, proved to be a much less vexed and more creative parent than me, who didn't feel altogether jubilant about this fact: join in and all that, but please don't make me look incompetent in the process.

She goes on to say:

These days it also brings a certain kudos. There's little sexier than a big man attending to a small child. "Aren't you lucky?" women say to me – all because I live with a man who takes active responsibility for his own children. 

'Lucky' is an odd choice of phrase, isn't it?

Karpf also points to research that shows children of 'involved fathers' are

more cognitively competent at six months, have higher IQs at 3, do better academically, are less likely to be obese or have behavioural problems or suffer depression, are less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, accept themselves more, are more empathetic and less likely to divorce.

…you wonder why governments and states, even if all they care about is the bottom line, don't reorganise everything to enable men to get seriously involved with their kids. The financial, not to mention human, benefits would be incalculable.

The key point for me here is that 'involved fathers' is actually measured by amount of interaction, including higher levels of play and caregiving activities – so it's not just about 'stay at home' Dads, there are lessons for us all here.